I'm so tired...

Not only is the title a reference to a really good Beatles song, it's also the most succinct way I can describe how I feel right now. Granted, the gray, rainy October weather isn't helping, but that's merely icing on the cake. Today was definitely not one of my better days mood-wise, although it didn't start as such necessarily.

You see, I woke up determined to get another round of follow-up phone calls for job apps that I'd sent out as far back as the middle of July. I'm well aware that the fact that I hadn't heard back from some of those older ones was probably all the answer I needed, but I prefer to be thorough, especially when it comes to trying to get a goddamn job. I made 10 calls, and one by one, I got nine no's (the last call, a job I'm really hoping to get, saying that I won't hear anything for at least another week, if not more). My reactions upon hanging up the phone got worse and worse and more profane; I still can't believe that I never heard BACK from some of these places. If I don't have a chance in hell of getting the position, at least tell me so. Even a form letter would do. By the time of the last "no" phone call, I was ready to choke the bitch on the other end of the line.

It drove home even further the point that it's been almost four months now, with damned little, if anything, to show for it. I worry endlessly now about my ability to not only get a job, but also how I'm going to provide for Becky, for myself, and essentially for my future. I resent myself a lot now, especially during the week, I worry that others are starting to resent me because I can't seem to find a job, I hatefully resent my last place of employment for putting me in this position, and I seethingly resent all the places that won't hire me. It's making me question, on a fundamental level, all the accomplishments I've had, and everything that I've even dreamed of doing. And this is to say nothing of the beating my self-pride has taken.

I'm tired of all of it, and it drives me to enjoy what escapism I have left that much more, especially wallyball and weekends. And even then, more often than not, I can still feel it nipping at the corners of my mind.

I'm 31 years old, I have good skills and training, I have a good work ethic, I like to think I'm an overall decent person, and I like to think that I haven't deserved any of this.